My 2018

Here we go, 2018, you were one to remember, but one I also wish to move past rather quickly. You brought heartbreak and sudden loss. You threw struggles and tears at me more than I would like to admit. But through all of this I am not defined by what the year held for me, but rather my reaction to these things. I would love to say I handled it all with beauty and grace, but that is so very far from the truth. I struggled a lot this year, I struggled with feeling worthless, and unlovable, I wanted to be labeled as tough so I shut a lot of people out and refused their comfort and support. But as things often do, these actions caught up to me rather quickly. Summer brought a time to reflect and a time to be still. I cried so hard and thought my tears would never cease, but as always, God provides for our needs. Little did I know that my needs would be met in a friendly face and strong arm around my shoulder. A gentle hand across my face to wipe tears away. I was swept off my feet and shown unimaginable beauty in the form of mountains and road side stops, in butterflies and warm sunlight, in tan skin and freckled faces. I was shown how peaceful life is when the mundane is no longer the definition of your days. When you are actively searching for beauty around every corner you start to see it everything. The family you sit with by the waltz of the fire, is such a glorious gift. The adventures on the lake and unexpected slips into the water are astounding. The music playing as the landscape flies past at 50 miles per hour holds an enchanting spell over your heart. Long warm texts sent to those you are away from are so enabling. I want to live in these memories and feel the warmth of the sunlight and heat of friendly hugs as their touch dances across my skin. I want to forever remember these. But my year also came with destruction, through bullying text messages that hit very close to home, through forever friends explaining that their definition of forever and your definition differ in a lot of areas, through terrifying goodbyes, and through mangled metal on the side of a busy freeway. The losses of years past came back to sting again, missing people that brought so much joy into your life that are smiling down from above now. Trying to remember what them holding your hand felt like, and the laughs over chocolate cake did to your heart. 2018 brought lots of pennies from heaven and warm smiles through the clouds. This year held struggles in the form of misunderstandings and differing opinions. But as I reflect back on all the change and heart wrenching details I wonder why this year seemed to hit me harder than all the other years. Why did the loss hurt so much now? I honestly still don’t know why, but my most educated guess tells me that I put 100% into people surrounding me and expected them to do the same. This is not me blaming other people for a difficult year, but I had no clue that people aren’t important to all people. To me I hold relationship above all else, first my relationship with God, He has only kept me safe and brought peace in wretched times, and loved me through everything. Then my family, they stood beside me through the time in the hospital, and they’ve held my hand through hard nights and difficult loss, their smile warmed my world as they beamed with reassurance that good times were upon us. Next I hold friendships over anything else, they are the ones that have no obligation to hold on to you and you to them but you do and they do and its wonderful, but that is not everyone’s order of importance. Some hold experiences and status above relationship and that is 100% ok, that’s what works for them so that’s wonderful. I was not expecting that though. This year things hurt more than years past because I was experiencing new things. Turns out that you can’t experience all you need to in only 19 years. Part of me knew that the world was harsher than I could ever expect, and I was very right in that assumption. Part of me knew that I should be fine with the hurt I feel as it is normal for people to fail you. No matter how amazing you are and how wonderful you treat them there will always be a chance they will abandon you and turn away. This happened to Jesus, and he was perfect, literally perfect. I am so very not perfect. So this year I learned more than I could ever expect. The saying, “ God will only give you as much as you can handle,” is so false. This year was so much more than I can handle and I learned that rather quickly. I tried, I gave the best effort to carry it all on my own, but I could not. I had to give it over to God. So this year God gave me more than I could take, but it was no where near to much for Him to handle. Now this was not something new, God didn’t break character just for me, He did what He has always done. In all honesty I don’t think God has ever not given us more than we can handle, that is why community and fellowship with Him is so important. If He only gave us what we could handle then we would have no need for Him, so this year that is what I can say I learned. I learned that through all of this, I would change nothing, I will still love, I will still care, I will still ask how people are even if they don’t do the same for me. Jesus didn’t save us because we were doing the same thing for Him. So yes my 2018 was hard, it was destructive, but it was inspirational, and educational. It offered peace when it felt like peace was unattainable, it brought unexpected friendships and ended some that in all honesty needed to go. This year did not go as planned as I am so very thankful for that. I am so glad that I had no hand in executing what I thought would be a perfect year. Thank you 2018 for the lessons taught and the violent nature of your love. Thank you, and here’s to 2019, I pray you are everything I never expected and I have a sneaking suspicion that you will be exactly that.